Sunday, June 25
diverging paths of expectation
it's honestly getting a little exhausting to keep waiting and waiting, not knowing what's going to come out of it. you're not sure if you're going to be left disappointed in the end, you basically have zero idea what to expect at the end of it all.
so what keeps you motivated and going?
love? passion?
simply the belief that one day, just one special day.. you'll be pleasantly surprise.
but it's hard, cause after all that waiting you've done and committed yourself to, the results aint sweet and hope wanes after each ordeal you have put yourself through.
--
ever since my sister's been back, it's becoming more and more evident that my parents simply can't get along. dont get mistaken, the ongoing war has been literally "ongoing" for the past 18 years of which i can remember, perhaps 21 years for my sister.
but over the course of maybe... the past 2 months, "home" has became a living hell. the unspoken hatred towards each other is somehow edging on both me and my sister, dragging us down with it. slowly, but surely. it has reached a whole new dimension , till the point that even my sister is throwing her hands in the air and mind you she has only been back for slightly more than a week.
and now, it's even tearing mother from daughter, father from child (oh well, it's not as if there's anything left to come in between me and my dad) . well mum has been basically started this whole new imagery of us undermining her infront of my dad, thus creating this illusionary sense of triumph and glee in him. we are now the culprits of "asking too much", "caring too much" .. leaving us no options but to just shut up and act dumb.
like for example, sitting in the car with the whole family is equivalent to insurmountable awkwardness and tension. this morning has added itself into an already filled list of viable testimony.
sometimes we wonder, maybe taking the bold step and ending such a treacherous marriage will make things better. since we are already reaching the end of a what seemed bottomless pit. i dont know what else we sisters can do to assure mum that "no we will not blame her nor hate her" if she ever makes that move. honestly, i wish this nightmare, this episode is reaching it's finale so as to put an end to the pain and suffering that every single one of us is being imposed by.
just take that step.