Friday, November 24
Inept.
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The ideal.
maybe i just cant be that perfect person whether it's the role of a daughter, a friend, a lover, an owner, that i'm playing. But trying to fit into those brackets of expectation and norm is simply inadequate. Cause that's the reality of this harsh world. Human by nature crave for the results that they want to get and few bare regard to the efforts and processes of the other. As one assimilates herself into the perfect shoes she's expected to wear, she loses herself in the process, and in exchange, places herself in a compromising situation where she either has to continue to cat and mouse game of meeting those requirement and be that someone else, or just fight the norm and be herself.
Guilt trips.
They no doubt have a history of being an effective form of control, but when it reaches the stage of exploitation, they often backfire. Cause it renders the other to be incapable of fulfilling those expectations and injects the thought that perhaps he/she should just stop trying or wanting to try. and this will lead to a case of extremity and retaliation of an individual.
i wish i could snap my fingers and everything would just go away and i'll deal with it like how i'm accustomed to be able to do so. but you see, deviations occur when it bolls down to people who truly matter to you.
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and so i ended my papers yesterday with a rather indifferent heart. there was no sense of pumping adrenaline nor happiness. maybe its because i just am emotionless or maybe because i thought that i couldnt get any happier with what i have in my hands, both extremes, and in both scenarios i'm being proven wrong.
you see, what goes up, will come down. and as the sky now turns dark and ominous, i wonder if there's indeed light at the end of it. enjoy the rain.
off to work, wish me luck on my first day. i'm sure today will be just great.
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she will be loved.