Sunday, May 28
and it all fades away..
no. it doesnt.
--
okay, i'm back at it. i'm killing myself or rather everything that is happening now is slowly killing me. once again i'm being sucked into the whole hockey thing again. i dont know why but i can't fight the feeling and i cant let it go. the entire sports' season is way over yet i'm still lingering behind, refusing to budge and move on.
i never thought i'd feel this way, really
yes hockey was part of my life, but i didnt think it could leave such a huge scar on me.
like netball was everything to me in the past, and i still do miss it. but when we lost to cedar by a mere 1 goal in 2004, i was upset, but not to this extend
but it's being proven otherwise.
i look at myself now and i see this void. everytime i enter my room i'll face the hockey stick. stare at it and then tell myself that its over and avert my attention to probably something random. and yes this happens every single time i walk into the room; everyday
and in school, bumping into the hockey girls makes me gloomy. dont be mistaken, i love my teammates, but i'm subconsciously, inevitably being reminded on the treacherous memory that has ingrained itself into my head.
--
i dont know if it's pure coincidence or sheer bad luck, issues are just surfacing/re-surfacing in my life right now. it's getting heavier to carry and i'm starting to feel unstable.
i believed i was over the whole "i am depressed" stage like eons ago, the last time i felt that way was probably in primary school. but now, i'm embarassed to admit that yes, i think i'm facing it. the one word i thought i had conquered- "depression".
maybe i'm just not strong enough to deal with everything
i'll run away.
--
and now school's out. i'm honestly glad for that. i wish could just lock myself in the house alone and only with nutmeg as my company. but when i'm alone; it'll then strike me that it sucks to be bleeding and alone...and as expected, i get pulled into the whole issue again. it's a vicious cycle/circle or so they say.
some of my classmates are able to mirculously crack me up, however that is temporal.
others are able to make me feel sincere concern and care, however i'm being reminded of how i've made wrong choices in life.
one makes me feel loved, however insecurity often takes over.
--
maybe i should just
sleep.